The Living Deadbeat

Alan Dudley from Birmingham had this to say of the scientific breakthrough – “Screw you Universe! Om nom nom.”

This post is going to read as all kinds of ignorant, perhaps, even, as the uneducated jabberings of a know-nothing rube, but I hate watching old movies because the music in them absolutely stinks. I’ve just been driven away from Hitchcock’s 1964 film Marnie on account of a typically awful soundtrack that was laden with shrill soaring strings at every turn. Sometimes it genuinely seems like there was some kind of law back in the day that required every bright outdoor scene to begin with some startling, ear-piercing violin progression, as if that’s the sound that sunlight makes when it’s recorded on camera. It’s just too much to bear.

There’s a lot about old movies that I dislike but can tolerate: the lousy picture quality; the over-use of wholly inorganic sets during outdoor scenes; the totally unnatural speech patterns and accents; the staid, uniform beauty of the most of the actresses; the obsession with the bullshit romantic entanglements of the over-privileged. These are all ticks and idiosyncrasies that I can endure in isolation or in combination with each other, but when some archaic violin soundtrack is lashed across this then it all becomes too much for me.

Obviously this is a gross over-generalisation, and obviously I know of strong counter examples, but 2001 is really the only old film I know of with a soundtrack that I consider worth listening to, and that’s full of classical music and not the typical high-pitched fare.

(Mr Chainsaw and Dr. Deadbeat on holiday)

That bloody cretin (you know who you are…Mr. Chainsaw) has only gone and taken the last bloody needle from the haystack that broke the camel’s back in his never ending war on the day-to-day malignancy that is my life. On top of forcing me to go on holiday (all the way to Amsterdam to see a band I didn’t want to see) he twisted the knife in my back by booking a double room only three feet wide and four feet long. It had a window so small I couldn’t fit my hand out, no wardrobe and a disgusting pit of a communal bathroom. Oh ya, and it was on a bloody boat. It was like living in a very small sauna with bunk-beds and a man who remains naked for like an hour and half after his shower. Would it kill you to put on some underpants you bastard!?

(Artists impression of what Mr.Chainsaw might look like actually wearing underpants)

Until next time old friend.

“We just had nothing in common.”

Over the past several months, North Korea has tested a number of short-, medium- and long-range missiles. This much we already knew. What we did not know however was about the development of crazy flying super-asians!

This picture, from the wall-street journal, was taken last thursday and illustrates the awesome power of these Korean superman. These East-Aisan monster’s can, at the very least, fly and break ceramic (maybe even porcelain) tiles with their forheads. Scientists believe these “super-powers” to be linked to either “severe radiation poisoning”, “an inovative super-soldier serum” or “creepy Dracula magic”

I for one welcome our Korean overlords and our avian super-bretheren!

Mr. Chainsaw counter attacks Korea!

So it appears that Dr. Deadbeat has taken matters entirely into his own hands, and has even gone as far as to sabotage some of my contributions to this august publication. While this unarguably a commendably daring feat on his part, it is also incredibly futile, because I have no life and thus spend about 16 hours a day on the internet, so I notice any changes to this site almost as soon as they happen.

In fairness to Dr. Deadbeat, the post he deleted wasn’t very good anyway, and the animal picture in it probably wasn’t up to the the high standards of cute-animal-picture-ness that he expects and demands, so here’s a picture of an anteater and its dinner bowl.

If this gets deleted then expect many, many posts about football, American politics and my sundry imagined neurosis in the coming weeks.

More menus should use the elipsis (the “…”). It gives the food service industry the dash of suspense it dearly needs.

Picture taken by “Dutch Mechanic” on http://topcultured.com/food/a-real-mans-soup-of-the-day/

Not to be outdone by their lower profile cousins (see Stoned Wallabies Make Crop Circles) a group of drunken kangaroos staged an elabourate east Australian bigfoot hoax. Creating a vibrant media storm around a single photograph, the “hoax” might have evaded detection if the munted marsupials hadn’t insisted it wasn’t simply a creature of the bigfoot genome but was in fact the original bigfoot on holiday. The assertion was hammered home when the second series of photos were released in which the bigfoot can be seen eating icecream and wearing lime green hawaiian shorts and a pair of giant novelty sunglasses.

We eagerly await the release of the 3rd series of bigfoot photos in which the sasquatch puts his face through a hole in a piece of cardboard on the other side of which is painted the body of a lady in old fashion swimwear.

Ya sure, we can all agree that Al Gore’s epic lecture fest, “An Inconvenient Truth”, is an important and valuable film. Of course its great, you have to say that or else you’ll be cast as a dirty enviro-hater. To be honest though, would you really watch it again? Like, all of it? Probably not. What it needs is an awesome twist that really hammers home the message. Like vampires.

Here’s the film pitch. Almost everyone is a vampire. The last of the humans are hunted and put on Matrix style life support machines that drain their blood. But because of poor financial advice Vampire Corp has used up all its resources (ie. people juice). The blood thirst removes the last remaining humanity from the Vampire community turning them savage.

Oh ya and its got a Wilhem Defoe in it with a big ass crossbow and its totally a real film that I’m not making up!